IVF Days 1-5

It is IVF time.

Short background- we have been trying to get pregnant again since August 2015. We had 3 failed IUI cycles, along with 1 or 2 cycles that my body refused to make an egg so they were canceled. Our RE decided it is time to move to IVF, and our insurance no longer requires 6 IUI cycles before covering it. Before they were still trying to figure out what exact doses of meds and timing worked best for my body in particular, so the 6th cycle (the one that resulted in Kylie) was actually slightly different than the other 5. This time they KNOW what works, and they did exactly that in each cycle, and we still got failures. The theory is basically we got extremely lucky to get pregnant with an IUI last time, because for whatever reason my eggs are not friendly to sperm.

I want to blog this experience to share what it is like with others, to keep a record of what it was like in future years, and because it might help me process everything. 

IVF starts with one month of birth control, which I started on March 4, and finished up on March 24. Then I just had to wait for my period to start, which finally did on March 28. At some point in the month I got a HUGE box of meds, which about 1/3 are in my fridge, and the rest are on the back of my table.

IVF Day 1

I called the RE to report "cycle day 1" and was told to get bloodwork and an ultrasound the next morning. The blood is to confirm the hormone levels are appropriately low to start a fresh cycle- every now and then one will be a bit high to start and I am told to re-check the next day. They also make 100% sure there is no pregnancy. The ultrasound is to make sure the uterus is empty, and that there are no cysts from the previous cycle. It is a vaginal ultrasound, if you were wondering. All of this is very routine for me. All the same first day checks are used in IUI cycles. Bloodwork stopped bothering me in college after I had tons of tests done (and hospitals with IVs) to figure out what was wrong with my nerves/heart. The ultrasounds never bothered me all that much.

IVF Day 2

Sleepily dragged myself to Boston IVF at 9am, and then promptly fell back asleep with Kylie when I got home. I got a call in the afternoon that everything looks great to start! My instructions are to inject 100 IU of Gonal-F twice a day, and return on April 2 at 10:15 for more bloodwork. Gonal-F is the same stuff I used in all my IUI cycles, so not anything new, just twice as frequent and a slightly higher dose each time.

IVF Day 3

George always does my shots. I hate shots, and I am not sure I could do it myself. Long ago in our first few IUI cycles (before Kylie) I would sit for up to an hour psyching myself up for the shot, sometimes crying. As they got more and more routine, it got easier. This time around (post-Kylie) they seem much easier. Maybe because I know it can be worth it, or maybe I got over it. Kylie is usually around now, so at least in part it is wanting to show her shots are not so bad. I still cannot do them myself though.

I mention this, because I had not realized the logistics of needing 2 shots of Gonal-F each day before day 3. (Day 2 George had a Dr appt right before I was told to do 2 shots, so he just gave me a shot before heading back to work.) George leaves for work around 10am, and Kylie and I sleep until 10:30 or 11. I got woken up at 10am to get a shot. That was not SO bad, but it woke Kylie up, and she decided it was wake up time an hour early. Not a great start to a day.

That night, my sister Bianca flew into town to help play with/occupy Kylie, since I might not be so great soon. I have a lot of craft stuff and lots of pins on pintrest for them. =) Today we made play-dough.

IVF Day 4

My head is trying to SPLIT OPEN. Also my throat hurts. Talking hurts. Swallowing hurts. My head hurts too much to sleep. I am not allowed to take Dayquil or Advil due to the IVF. I went to the doctor about my throat, and it is not strep, just a virus. All I can do is drink warm tea with honey and get rest. The migraine was not unexpected, just extremely annoying. Estrogen almost always gives me bad migraines, unless I also have high progesterone. Guess what all these shots are doing!? MORE ESTROGEN! Luckily I have painkillers I can take for migraines. I think I ended up having to take much more than normal due to lack of simple things like advil. At least I can interact with Kylie at all this way. We made water beads today (with basil seeds.)

IVF Day 5

My throat still hurts a lot, but my head is not as bad as yesterday. It hurts, but I am not as close to throwing up from the pain today. Painkillers are the only reason I can be in the living room with Kylie. We made slime! Kylie wanted it to be pink with silver, blue, and purple glitter. She seems to really like playing with it. I have a feeling my headache situation is only going to go downhill from here until at least Day 14. I hate Estrogen. There is a good reason my body fails to produce it.

Rachael

Bisexual

Warning: Might have some language you find not appropriate for kids. I disagree, but there it is.

In light of the recent ruling by SCOTUS, I felt I should say something about bisexuals. Many people in recent years have come to accept that some people are just born gay or as the wrong sex (trans.) What is still incredibly hard for many to understand, are bisexuals. I am bisexual, I just happened to fall in love with and marry a male. What I was told when I was in Highschool was that if I liked both sexes, why would I choose to date people of the same sex, because it only makes my life more complicated. 

To answer this, I have a two questions. Firstly, when you see someone and you get that little flutter in your stomach that means you like them, did you choose to like them? No, you just do. True I could ignore that, but that seems a bit silly. 

Second question, which I find to be an important one: Is sex the most important part of your relationship? Is that really what your relationship is based on? Bisexuals (at least me, I think it's most) look for all the same things you most likely do in a relationship. Trust, caring, being there for each other, etc. We are just not so hung up on needing to have a certain kind of sexual pleasure. You figure things out and make each other happy with the parts that are there. Simple.

As one of my friends said a long time ago, "People fall in love with personalities not genders." If George was a female, the only thing that would change is that we would need a sperm donor to have kids. Well and a few personal bedroom things would be different, but my feelings would be the same.

Think about it this way. Some people like vanilla ice cream, and some like chocolate. If a person likes both equally well, would you tell them they should only ever eat vanilla because it is more simple to make? I like both, and would be happy only eating one, but sometimes both are not available, or one happens to be more appealing in that brand. How is that difficult to comprehend?

Another example- If a boy likes girls, and does not care about their skin color, would you tell him he should limit himself to only the type society might approve of more? That sounds ridiculous, and so does hating on bisexuals.

Importantly, bisexual does not mean sleeping around or needing to cheat on your partner to get both flavors all the time. I am sure there are some that do that, but that is true of all types of people.

Rachael

Rambling Never ending to-do list

I keep telling myself my next post will be an update on everything about our lives, so I keep avoiding writing anything because I am not ready to sit down for a few hours and hash that out. Small quick update (I will eventually write something more comprehensive): We are going GREAT! George loves his job, Kylie and I are happy at home, my migraines stopped when I stopped breastfeeding, Kylie is growing up and can do lots of "big kid" things now, and I am starting to get the hang of the balance of playing with/teaching Kylie, cleaning/organizing, and having "me" time.

So here I am, writing not a true update, but something more for myself than anyone else. I felt like making it a blog post to maybe give people an insight into my world lately.

Things I try to do every day/ every other day (in approximate order of importance)

• Play with and teach Kylie! It's not something I keep on a to-do list, but it is the most important thing I do every day. I try to do at least one Kylie-centered crafty activity every day. Today we drew with markers on big paper for about 30 minutes. That was fun and creative and we worked on color names, grip (holding the marker to draw,) strength (opening markers,) and independence (she got to choose colors.) Anytime I want a break from physical labor and my brain is too full of French to learn more (this happens quite often) I play along with whatever Kylie is doing. Sometimes we put buttons in the button slot (I cut a button shaped hole in the lid of an old butter container,) sometimes we build with legos, sometimes we just play silly kiss-the-belly wrestling, etc.
• Learn French via Memrise. I currently have 6 different French courses I am working on, each with different time goals (through Memrise, I need to keep my streak!) If you want to know the exact names of any of them so you can join me, just ask.
• Sentences, 45 minutes. This basically goes like so- Learn "I," Learn "to like," Learn "I like," Learn "fruit," Learn the sentence "I like fruit." This is nice because just knowing words does not help with how the words go together. Not everything is a direct translation. Since it is not all learning new words, but rather how they go together, I can do a lot in a day. 
• Nouns/Adjectives, 15 minutes. The course says that it is the first 1000 words you need to know in French. Very useful, but trying to do too much a day makes me forget things.
• Infinitive Verbs, 5 minutes. The most common 450 verbs in French. Can't speak without verbs!
• Irregular verb conjugations, 5 minutes. This has the present, past, imperfect, future, and another future (?) for a LOT of irregular verbs. I am working my way through the present tenses in order of "I know that one!" or "That sounds useful." It ends up being one verb's present tense conjugations each day, and occasionally I need to water a bunch so no new learning happens that day. Once I do all the present tenses, I will tackle the other tenses.
• Foods, 5 minutes. I wanted to be able to name most things in a grocery store, so I added this one. 
• Toddler vocab, 15 minutes. A lot of this is stuff I already know, but in slightly different form, which is way more challenging than I would expect. Ex- "an orange" as opposed to the usual "the orange." It also has words that I use a lot, but are not "common" to everyone, such as diaper, stroller, teddy bear, etc. It's mostly easy stuff I know for now, so I have it set to 15 minutes until I get to the more brain-straining new stuff, and I will change it to 5 minutes.
• In total, that is 1.5 hours minimum per day learning French. I have also started filling out "verb cards" to help visualize all the tenses for verbs. I have many more to go, and then I need to use them to help me learn past tense, future tense, etc. There are 13 tenses for verbs in French (at least, I am learning 13 of them.) Most of them have multiple forms (I, you, s/he, we, y'all, they.) That is more of an ongoing project though, especially for out of the house since I have physical cards. 
• I do not usually sit down and do all of this each day at the same time, or my brain would want to melt. I do a little in the morning (particularly watering in the morning) then when I want to sit down/ when Kylie wants to sit on me when she is getting sleepy for naptime, I do some more. I usually end up dragging myself through whatever is left 10-11pm. I really need to play catch-up though, and learn as much as I can as fast as I can, so I can teach Kylie French while she is at the perfect age. I speak simple sentences to her in French during the day. =)
• Wash clothes or diapers/Put away clothes. If we do not have things to wear, that would cause lots of problems. If Kylie does not have any diapers... that would be very bad. I try to keep them put away, but some weeks it does not happen as soon as I might like. If Kylie is in a good mood, it works fine, if she is in a cranky mood, she ends up making it way harder.
• Have something for dinner. Lately I have been making freezer meals, which are AMAZING. It usually takes a whole afternoon to prepare 6 meals, we eat one that day, and I have 5 other days worth that I put in the freezer. That means sometimes when I think about what to do for dinner, I just put one on the counter to thaw and then pop in the oven. The afternoon of cooking is nowhere near as much time as I would spend making dinner over 6 days. At one point we had 15 meals in the freezer. So "have something for dinner" is just choosing what to make that day and putting it on the counter around noon.
• Wash dishes. This is more of a goal, because lately I have only been washing what I NEED to wash. I need to play catch-up with dishes very soon. I can sometimes get Zach to wash dishes instead.
• Pick up toys/trash in living room and vacuum. This happens every other day or so. Kylie is a "free-range" toddler, so she eats sitting on the floor, and ends up making messes a lot. Also, the toys make an extremely hard to navigate maze by Day 2. If I ever have to be on the phone for a while, I pick up the toys then. Multi-tasking! 
• Wipe kitchen counters, Sweep kitchen, and mop kitchen. This happens at least twice a week. Again, Kylie makes messes and it requires cleaning up after her.

That is the end of the "things that actually possibly get done regularly" list. My day goes something like this: Wake up around 9:30am to Kylie waking me up (not crying, she just sits up and starts smooshing my face with her hands usually.) We either hang out in the bedroom/her room for 10 minutes or so, or take a shower. The hanging out is so she does her morning pee before getting a fresh diaper. For a while, she would pee in the potty in the mornings, but lately if she starts to pee in the potty, she gets scared and will hold the rest until she gets a diaper on, so we just let her pee in the diaper for now and change after. Kylie gets a diaper change and picks out a shirt to wear that day, and we head downstairs. We stop by the kitchen and get Kylie breakfast (raisin bread and water lately) and me some avitae from the fridge (caffeinated water!) I sit at my computer and check my e-mail, messages from various sites, etc while drinking my avitae and Kylie eats. Once I wake up a little, I do some Memrise (maybe 30 minutes?) 11am or so, Kylie usually starts wanting to get into my lap, which is code for "I need mommy attention." I choose something on my list above (minus dishes) and we go work on it together. After that we have lunch together on the floor (leftovers most days.) Then Kylie is good with "mommy time" and will usually play a bit on her own, so I try to work on things that are less Kylie-friendly, like dishes or clearing off my desk. I usually get tired of cleaning 2-2:30pm or so, and play with Kylie. This is usually where the craft time is, or going to the pool. Kylie gets sleepy 3:30-4pm. Sometimes she will just go lay on her bed and sleep, and other times she wants some cuddles while she gets drowsy, and then I put her on her bed. When Kylie is doing her "circling the drain" sleepy mode, I cannot be doing anything "interesting" or she will perk up and refuse to nap. The computer is deemed not interesting to Kylie, but dishes, cleaning living room, and folding laundry, are super interesting. Therefore, I usually do more Memrise when Kylie is sleepy. Once she falls asleep and my brain hurts again, I go work more on non-Kylie-friendly things. Calling places (so Kylie is not trying to steal the phone to talk in it, or screaming in the background,) sorting mail, washing dishes, starting on dinner if I am cooking that day, etc. Kylie usually wakes up from her nap, we play, go to the park, or do a chore together, and then George gets home and we have dinner. George and I usually play a game together on weeknights if Kylie is being in a decent mood. She will generally play on her own in the evening, and come over to me periodically to get in my lap for 5 minutes at a time. I think of it as recharging "mommy time" for her. She starts getting cranky 10pm or so, and starts winding down and wanting more lap time. This is around when I do whatever is left (if any) in my daily Memrise regimen. When Kylie eventually falls asleep I put her on her bed in the living room until one of us is heading to bed upstairs. We take her upstairs, change her diaper, put on PJs, and tuck her into her toddler bed. The toddler bed is touching our bed, so I can cuddle her in the night if she wants, but she is on her OWN bed with her own blanket. If she is semi-awake after changing at night, she will go lay in her bed and cuddle with Owliver (her stuffed animal she picked out.) Then the whole thing starts over the next day.

Obviously that is an ideal day, and there are MANY non-ideal days. Last week I was not feeling well, and this week Kylie is teething, which is part of why our dishes situation got so bad.

The things I should get to in a somewhat timely manner list. I am going to start trying harder to do at least one small thing from this list each day. I was pretty good about that for 2 about weeks, then I dropped the ball last week when I was not feeling well.

• Empty a box. We still have boxes from when we moved in 4.5 months ago stashed around.
• Take everything out of something (drawer, etc) and put back in neatly/organized. My desk drawers are getting crazy because I store random things in them to keep stuff away from Kylie.
• Call a place. I need to set up appointments/pay bills/ask questions, etc. I hate calling places though.
• Open some mail. I am maybe bad about that...
• Sort papers on the table into the filing box. 
• Put upstairs objects upstairs where they go, and downstairs objects downstairs where they go. It's mostly only an issue for upstairs things. They get left downstairs and then put on the table/my desk and just sit there for a long time. I might take it to the top of the stairs, but I don't actually put things where they go often enough when it is on a different floor. Mostly because Kylie likes to be on the same floor as me and that task involves a lot of back-and-forth.
• Do super important paperwork. I have been avoiding a few things that I should really do.
• Put things on freecycle or a selling site. Cake tins I will never use, our old stroller (we got a new one,) spinning wheel, I am sure there are more things...
• Build Kylie's new toddler table. 
• Blog more often.

I feel like there is more I should add, but I don't know what. My life is exhausting, and I am only able to chip away at the non-daily stuff that needs to be done. It IS going though, just super slow. If I get help (if people visit and want to play with Kylie) I can get things done faster, but even at the current rate things will eventually all get done. We just joined the YMCA, and I hope to go to some Zumba and Yoga classes on weekday mornings. It will take away time from my already busy schedule, but I think I will feel better and so can get more done in the long run. Kylie already started her swim lessons on Sunday and she loves them!

I am really not sure what the take-away is from this post to anyone. It was more of a thinking-in-text for me, and maybe a reference for later. I will do a better update blog post soon hopefully. =)

Rachael

A New Chapter

We are about to embark on a new chapter in our lives (again.)

Before you criticize, let me be the first to say I really wish things have gone differently and my life was less crazy. I hate moving. Anyways... We are moving back to Boston!

We really loved Boston and I was very sad to leave, so I am super excited to be going back! George got a job with his old company, which he loved, and even better- this job (and pay) is what he was working toward when we decided to leave. In other words, it is a promotion from his old position =) Zachary (my brother) has also decided to live with us again. 

We have a lot of ideas of what to do (and not to do) to try to be a lot more stable this time. Our move date is Feburary 18. Wish us luck!

Rachael

Picture Update

I worked on it most of the day today (to which Kylie did not approve,) but I got all our pictures sorted and edited! All from the camera and both phones, yay! All the pictures are on my G+ account, just call/message me for access. Here are some of my favorites:

3-3-14

4-21-14

5-13-14

5-18-14
Kylie gets her first Tablet! I borrow it a lot.

6-26-14

6-26-14

7-20-14

7-29-14
Helping put away diaper laundry

7-31-14
Breastfeeding in public, like usual

8-1-14
Playing "toybox" on the sofa next to me

8-9-14
Good shot of Kylie's eyes

8-15-14
Drinking some PB Chocolate Love with me

8-23-14
We ran out of regular soymilk for Kylie's night cereal, so we used
chocolate soymilk instead. She was happy with this.

8-30-14
One of the very rare times I caught her with the binky in her mouth.

9-2-14
Kylie's favorite house toy! It teaches opposites.

9-7-14
About to make cookies together

This is my sister Bianca...

... and this is the look-alike doll I crocheted for her. 9-19-14

9-21-14

9-21-14
I had FINALLY just finished knitting that rainbow blanket Kylie is wearing.
We both love it!

10-5-14
Sneaky face! This is Kylie's "about to get into trouble" face

10-6-14
Kylie LOVES pepperonis and cheese

10-11-14

10-26-14

10-26-14
Kylie was very proud of herself for getting on top of the box to see over the fence

10-26-14
My Halloween pumpkin!

10-30-14
Halloween Party!
I was sick 10-31 actually, so I am glad we went to a party the night before.
Kylie's friend Nikita's mom sewed the bodys and flippers and I crocheted the feet and hats.
Kylie is not wearing her hat because it was too warm, she stole my horns instead. =)

11-16-14
Kylie "brushing" her teeth while we get ready for bed.

11-10-14
First time in a stroller! We always wore her in the Baby bjorn before,
but now that she is close to 20 lbs it is getting hard.
She seems to really like the stroller now though, since she is already used to being a part of conversations.

11-21-14
We went to the midnight release of Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire!

11-28-14
Being lazy on Daddy

As I said up top, there are many more pictures, all of which you can see on my G+ if you are in my circles. Just add me or message me and I will add you =)

Rachael

Holidays for Kylie!

I am pagan. This means I celebrate Yule (winter solstice, usually the night of Dec 21) rather than Christmas. To me, this has evolved to actually mean that Yule is a small family unit holiday, and Christmas is what we celebrate with extended family.

That being out of the way, the subject of this blog post- What presents does Kylie want for the holidays? No one should feel obligated to get Kylie anything. She has lots of toys already. But for those who want to get something, I made this.

Kylie likes:

• Blue. If she has a choice of colors, Kylie usually goes for the blue one.
• Lots of parts. Kylie particularly likes toys that have a bunch of things that can be put into/taken out of a container.
• Sound effects. Originally when Kylie was a tiny baby I said I didn't want her to have any toys that make sounds/music. We have a few toys like that anyways, and they are Kylie's favorites. 
• Flippable pages. She likes turning pages back and forth. In traditional board books and also in toys.
• French! Kylie has been learning french (via me talking and disney movies,) so any toys that speak french are great! We only have one- a Baby Einstein piano.
• 12-18 month toys. Kylie is quite advanced for her age, and so toys directed at her age group do not go over as well as toys directed to the one above her.

A few ideas:

• LeapFrog Letter Factory Phonics and Numbers
• Fisher-Price Peek-a-Blocks. She has a few hand-me-downs and LOVES them. They come in lots of varieties.
• Fisher Price Little People A to Z Learning Zoo Playset
• Duplos. We have a collection going already. She cannot actually play with them yet though.
• Big buttons! I am collecting big (2in+) plastic buttons of various shapes and colors to put into a bag to play with. It helps with finger dexterity.
• Gift cards! Always an easy option. Toys R Us is good, Carters (clothes) is good, Amazon is even better. =)

And some please don't gets:

• Play food/kitchen. We want food to always be real food, and if she wants to help cook she can help for real.
• Stuffed animals. I feel like we are drowning in them already.
• Walkers. She can almost walk on her own.

As always, if you are unsure about something, feel free to call me and ask! Particularly if you think she might have it already. 

Rachael

Life gets crazy

Kylie is 10 months old now and doing AMAZING! She is cruising everywhere and can even take a few steps on her own. She understands simple phrases and will sometimes repeat them to me. "All done." "Come over here." "Not in the mouth." etc. Her giggles are the best sound in the world. Her dancing to music is just about the cutest thing too.

As always, Kylie comes first our (George and my) life. Sometimes to the detriment of ourselves. Things have gotten a little crazy and life decided to flip upside down for us. George lost his job about a month ago. I feel like we have discussed every possible direction for us to go after that. Should we stay in Cali where our friends are? Go to Texas to be near my family? Virginia to be near his family? Massachusetts where we were before? Apply places and go wherever they take us? After lots of thought and introspection we decided to go back to Virginia for now.

Marya has graciously offered for us to stay in the big house until we can/want to afford to get our own place. George's old company is possibly looking for remote workers, so we are hoping to get in on that. A period of time with George working but not needing to pay ridiculous rent will be very nice. Our bank account is not so happy with how our life has been lately. I am very much looking forward to Kylie getting to know her family. And the house- I LOVE that house. It has a properly sized kitchen (you could ballroom dance in it!) and a huge pantry space. The giant room (living room/dining room) has huge windows all around to let in natural light and to see the beautiful trees. 

Because of all this life-crazyness, I have neglected things like uploading the TONS of pictures of Kylie from my camera and phone. I will do that eventually. I know everyone wants to see Kylie =)

Rachael

Almost 6 months!

Kylie is the most important person in my world, and the same is true for George. No matter what we have been going through, she is ALWAYS put first. Not just for things like feeding and diaper changes, but also playtime and walks and working on skill sets. Sometimes I think if I loved her any more I might explode. =) I LOVE HER SO MUCH! She gets showered with hugs, cuddles, and kisses throughout the day, every day. Here are some things she does/likes now at almost 6 months old. 

One of her favorite things to do now is stand up (with help.) 

She has been eating solid foods for a bit now (since she was 4 months old.) Sometimes I give her a smashed up version of whatever we are eating, and sometimes she gets standard baby food. Her favorites- Indian food (with spicyness!), tomato basil pesto, guacamole, and sweet potatoes. We tried a "normal" sippy cup with her, but she usually swallows a bunch of air because she doesn't turn it upside down. I got her a straw sippy cup instead and she LOVES it. She drinks water (she likes it with ice) all the time now. Sometimes she has juice, but she really likes water.

Kylie now can roll back-to-front and front-to-back on both sides, even with a toy in hand! 

She also started TALKING! The things I have heard her say:

• "Hi"

• "Hey" 

• "I luh" and "I luh t" Kylie version of "I love you" and "I love you too"

• "Mmm Mmm" Which can mean "Mommy" or "Noms" (We call breastmilk noms)

• "Daduh" 

• "Acha" She called me this first, which is "Rachael." she started saying Mommy a few days later

• "Mommmmmmma" Kylie likes to draw out that second m in Mommy

• "Liza" When addressing Liza

• "Wa wah" Asking for her water cup

• "Cah hee" Asking for sips of George's coffee (I have no idea why she likes it so much, and she only ever gets a few sips once it's cooled.)

Kylie gets mad when people put things in their mouths and she doesn't get to taste it. She will taste something at least 3-4 times before deciding she doesn't like it. (Which is AWESOME!) 

If you kiss her a bunch she sometimes giggles. 

Sometimes after kissing her we can ask "Can I have kisses too?" and she will put her open mouth on a cheek and say "Muh." They get very wet, but it's SUPER adorable! Although, she doesn't like kissing George unless he is freshly shaven.

We have been swimming a few times, and she seems to like it. She has a floatie she sits in with her bottom half in the water, and she likes to kick her feet to move around a bit. She likes when we "swim" around the pool. She has not been underwater in the pool.

She continues to LOVE showers.

Kylie had a lot of fun playing with her auntie B in June.

She loves when we sing songs, particularly ones she recognizes. Her favorites-

• The Itsy Bitsy Spider (Mr. Mike's version, which is longer)
• Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (SMBC version, which is MUCH better)
• Going Through the Motions (From Buffy)
• The Ants Go Marching (in which we take turns making rhymes for what the ants do when they stop)
• 99 Bottles of Juice (in which we take turns saying how many bottles are taken down and then everyone does math quickly to continue, ex. 86 bottles of juice on the wall, 86 bottles of Juice, you take 8 down, pass 'um around, 78 bottles of juice on the wall)
• The Alphabet Song, with ASL signs (slightly modified to give each letter the same about of time- L, M, N, O, P is slower to not sound like one letter, and I end it with "Y and Z" with Z being a lower note that resolves the song, so the stupid end is taken off)
• Let's Make a Rainbow (Carebears song)
• My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme song (most of the songs from MLP: FIM actually)

Kylie has her own computer, it's a Samsung Galaxy Note Tablet that we named "Gala." I borrow it sometimes to play with. It's great for in the car- she can play all sorts of cool games that have things that flash on the screen when it's touched. 

And finally, some closing comments from the Baby herself! (Since she has been trying to grab my keyboard for the last 15 minutes.)

6+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++8596x ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++hhhhhhhhhttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttbk xbdqjdjqhqh 47777777777777777777777/*//777777777777777777777777giii+i 2.........................w /

  .iikxdknnnnnnnnnnnnnn,,,

Rachael & Kylie

Blahness

Blahness- That is about what I feel like most days. People need an update on our lives, and after putting it off for a few weeks, I have convinced myself to actually talk about it. Firstly, Kylie is doing excellent and she is an AMAZING baby! I love her more than anything else in the whole world, and she is always taken care of and loved and kissed. More on that later. George and I, on the other hand, have had some issues... 

Me

My doctor diagnosed me with PPD and started me on medication before I even realized anything was wrong. I few days after seeing her I really started to notice the things she was talking about, and I was glad I was already starting getting help. The details are not as important right now- the gist of it is that it SUCKS and as much as I love Kylie, I also wanted to go crawl into a hole and die. It's very hard for people to really understand what it is like, but trust me I wanted to "get over it" and "suck it up" more than anyone, but it just doesn't work that way. The first diagnosis was on May 17, and I am just now starting to come out the other side. 

I had back pain and a migraine most days, and as my doctor put it, "it's hard to tell if the pain is causing PPD or PPD causing pain." Part of how I coped with still being able to pick myself up off the floor to take care of and play with Kylie, was taking Oxy. Every time Kylie would cry for me and I felt like I would rather die than get up, I took an Oxy. (My doctor said this was okay.) It improved my mood 1000x and I would play and laugh and walk around, etc. I am quite aware it was a band-aid on the problem, but I was also starting anti-depressants, they can just take a while to work. 

This is all I will say about the Oxy usage: I was taking a little, which went up to a lot, which went up to a bunch. Kylie and I both went though some terrible withdraw back down to a little. Working on getting it to none, but that might not happen for a while. Do I regret it? No, not at all. Was/Am I addicted? In the biological sense, yes, because I went through withdraw going back down. In the psychological sense, no, I never felt like I couldn't live without it. I was/am in a better mood with it, but that is because feeling the full pain of a migraine sucks and makes me irritable. My doctors know all the reasons I take it, and they are okay with it.

George

I was not that great to be left alone with Kylie, because there was a 30 minute delay between "I WANT TO DIE, oh I guess I should take Oxy." and "Yay! Let's play!" So George took some of his paternity leave to be with me until I was a bit more stable. He was pretty much always on call for helping with me and helping with Kylie. He was also trying to keep the house in a decent state of cleanness (because dirty gives me more anxiety). 

As people who know George are probably aware, he has his own struggles with depression, so he knew exactly what I was going through. Unfortunately, I am his rock that keeps him stable and gets him help when he needs it before things get bad. He was busy helping me, and adding a bunch more stress in his life, while I was busy trying to take care of myself and Kylie. So... George started spiraling down into depression once again. We got him into a psychiatrist as soon as we could, and started back on medication. 

Combination

The big issues comes with the fact that BOTH of us were (are) struggling at the same time, AND we have a baby. Our support system out here in California is basically non-existent. For the last two months or so, it has been about like this: 

• I start to get a little better! 
• George starts to crash.
• I use all my energy keeping up with chores, loving and taking care of Kylie, and helping George get stable.
• George is starting to get better!
• I start to crash because I used so much energy.
• George uses all his energy to keep up with chores, loving and taking care of Kylie, and helping me get stable.
• I start to get better!
• George starts to crash because he used so much energy.

You can see why this is a problem... Overall things to get better, just very slowly. When we seem like we actually are finding a stable point for all of us, life throws stuff at us that starts it over again. (That happened twice so far.)

Kyile

Kylie is the most important person in my world, and the same is true for George. No matter what we have been going through, she is ALWAYS put first. Not just for things like feeding and diaper changes, but also playtime and walks and working on skill sets. Stay tuned for my next blog post- all about Kylie!

Conclusion

George and I are slowly, VERY SLOWLY, getting better. A support system would be a pretty great thing for us, and it would have made this issue way easier in the first place. I have not posted on social media for a while now- At first it was because I was just so blah and didn't care. After a while though, I was waiting to see how long it would take for someone to wonder where I was and if I was okay... on the 4 different sites I frequent, only on one did someone ask about me. 

Anyways, I'm getting there. Slowly. Maybe next week I will actually upload the TONS of pictures I have of Kylie. =)

Rachael

Woman's Day

Today is "Mother's Day" to most people. Last year I decided that it's a stupid holiday and I would no longer celebrate it. Lets make it "Women's day" instead. 

Last year on this day, we were in the middle of our 6th fertility cycle. I was getting daily shots of FSH to try to make an egg for a chance to be a mother. I was upset because I was convinced that it would not work and we would need to go to IVF, and maybe I would even need to have an egg donor. All I wanted, more than anything else, was to have a baby. Almost every time I left my house or went online in early May last year were reminders of how I was not a mother. There were pictures of cute kids, and people congratulating others on their reproductive capabilities. It hurt. It hurt a lot. 

Have you ever had a time when you felt like your soul was being crushed? That's kinda what infertility feels like. Every fertility cycle you imagine your egg meeting up with a sperm and becoming a beautiful baby that will became a wonderful person. Then when you get a negative test, that theoretical child dies. Most people don't really understand the scope of that. People kept telling me things like, "Well, maybe next time." or "It will happen eventually." My baby DIED. Why would people act like nothing had happened? 

Anyways, back to the point of this blog post. When you wish someone (in public), "Happy Mother's Day" you are crushing the souls of people who want more than anything to be a mother who might hear you. You are shoving it in their face all day long. A lot of infertiles refuse to leave the house on Woman's day because it hurts too much. 

Now that I am on the other side and this year I am a mother, I still don't see the point of having a day for it. I am happy to be a mother EVERY day. I don't need people to congratulate me, I am happy enough already. Give your love and hugs and gifts to those without a baby to snuggle with.

We can say, "Happy Women's day." We can celebrate all types- Those who have children, those who lost their children, those who choose not to have children, those who are not ready yet, those who are having trouble, those who cannot have children, and all others. All Women are wonderful and powerful. You don't need to have babies to prove it.

Rachael

P.S. Thanking your own mother for having you and raising you is good too. Parenting is hard and wonderful. =)

Energizer Bunny

I keep wanting to post more, but.. Well, being a (good) parent is a lot like being the energizer bunny. You have to keep going and going and going. When Kylie falls asleep and I am not rushing to clean dishes or clothes and I FINALLY have a minute to sit down by myself, blogging is not the first thing on my mind. I tell myself things like, "Well, after I catch up with everyone (G+, ravelry, facebook) and call this place then I will start a blog post to update everyone." Then I usually don't even have a chance to do all the proceeding stuff before Kylie wakes up. Like just now. I love having a baby and staying at home, but it doesn't leave much time for much else =P Now I have to feed the baby.

Rachael

Smiles

Things are going well with everyone over here so far. Kylie is becoming more active and awake, and knows who we are! The best part- she started smiling for me =D Next post I will go into details about our lives at almost 2 months. =)

Rachael

Body Image

Quick side note: I think I will be posting here much more often, because it's quite annoying posting in 4 places so everyone can see it. You can all just visit here and I will put thoughts/updates/pictures all in one place =)

Before I was pregnant, 9-month pregnant women looked HUGE. When I was 9 months pregnant, I kept thinking I looked so tiny compared to what I "should" look like. Then I would see old pictures of me and see my flat belly and it just... didn't look like me at all. Actually, any pictures of women with flat bellies looked weird. Like eerie and abnormal. Then now that Kylie is out, things changed again. I saw a picture of me 9 months pregnant, and I looked huge! It doesn't look like me, my belly was never that big or round! I can't remember having a giant belly anymore. My body image seems to be all over the place O.o

I look so huge and round!
01-13-14

Rachael

One week!

Kylie is now one week old! Well ok, I meant to do this yesterday. She is actually 8 days old today =P All three of us have learned a lot over the last week and things are going pretty smoothly now.

Temperature

The first day at home we had it at 75F in the apartment, which is pretty standard for us. Kylie kept crying when she was put down for a bit, and she would feel a little cold, even with blankets and clothes on. Since she was technically a little bit preemie and they have trouble with temperature regulation, we figure she was just cold. So we made it 80F in here. After that she seemed much better! We decided that we will lower it by one degree a week starting next week until we get back to normal temperatures in here. It might seem weird to some people, or like we are being crazy, but it seems to work and it doesn't bother us. =)

Big Smile!
02-04-14

Sleeping

The first 2 nights Kylie was home, we put her in her crib at night. When she would cry we would pick her up and calm her down and then put her back. About 30 minutes later she would cry again. Halfway through the 2nd night I gave up and put her in the bed with us. George and I were both getting sleep deprived and that was no fun. We sleep with only a sheet now, because it's 80F in here, so there is little risk of Kylie being suffocated by that. She sleeps at a level below the pillows and between us. The only potential risk would be one of us rolling onto her, which is not really possible. George doesn't ever move in his sleep and I become aware and awake when I move around at night. There is also something really satisfying about waking up to looking at and smelling your baby beside you <3 We still practice self-soothing in the swing a few times each day, and we plan on transitioning to the crib over the next 2 months or so, starting with things like 3 hours a night, then 6 hours a night, etc.

02-02-14

Clothes

We have a bunch of really cute baby clothes we bought or people gave us. I think she wore 2 outfits before I decided that was a silly idea. First of all, she gets everything gross and changes clothes a lot during the day. Second, a lot of those cute outfits are long-sleeved. Long sleeves does not mean "warmer" like you might expect. It means "colder" because they are covered in slobber all day. Unless it's a sleeper at night, she doesn't suck on her hands much then. Third, a lot of them include pants. Pants are OBNOXIOUS with diaper changes. We don't wear pants. At nighttime, Kylie wears a sleeper with a wool sleep sack over it. In the daytime, Kylie wears a T-shirt (not a onesie, those make her look weird with her cloth diaper butt, but sometimes she just wears a onesie unsnapped) and socks. The socks fall off 10+ times a day, but we just put them back on her. We have some plain colored shirts from American Apparel that she wears. Clothes just need to be soft and functional. I also don't like hats. When we are outside and it's cold, sure. But I like seeing her hair and smelling her head too much to wear hats inside =) Kylie also hates being swaddled. I thought all babies were supposed to like it, but she really likes her hands.

Missing a sock... again.
02-02-14

Feeding

After the disastrous incident at the hospital, we figured out a system. (At the hospital I let her sleep too long and she was too hungry to sleep and too sleepy to eat, which was terrible.) Every 3 hours Kylie gets a diaper change and then nurses. To make this simple for us, it's just every multiple of 3: Midnight, 3am, 6am, 9am, noon, 3pm, 6pm. 9pm. I tried nursing first, but she is usually too sleepy. The diaper change usually wakes her up enough to want to eat, and it's always wet anyways. 

02-02-14

Schedule

Our diaper/feeding schedule is above. Kylie and I go down for the night between midnight and 3am, depending on what I am feeling like. George takes her from bed at 3am and 6am and changes her diaper and gives her back to me to nurse and go back to sleep. He goes to bed after the 6am change. We started this because sometimes she gets really fussy sometime between 3 and 5am, so this way George is awake to rock and soothe her back to sleep. Depending on who is more sleepy/awake, we take turns doing the 9am diaper change. Then at noon I get up and take my meds, get food, fill my water bottle, and go to the bathroom before getting Kylie up. That is when we start our "daytime," which means she goes from the sleeper in bed to a T-shirt in my lap/her swing. I let George just sleep until I need him or he decides to wake up. Sometimes I put Kylie back into bed with him so I can take a shower. 

02-03-14

Awake Time

Babies sleep a LOT. Kylie does have some awake time each day though. It tends to be after her noon, 6pm, and midnight feedings. But not the 6am one. So I guess she has some sort of 24-hour schedule? Anyways, she likes to make faces and look around during awake time. Depending on what we are doing, I usually either put her on her playtime mat for some "tummy time" to help strengthen her neck muscles, hold her black and white striped letter G 10 inches away from her face to promote eye development, or stare at her and talk to her so she can learn my face and voice. 

02-03-14

Mommy vs Daddy

Mommy is better at- face snuggles into boobs, feeding, being a human pillow, and bedtime snuggles. Daddy is better at- diaper changes, helping with burping, guessing what Kylie wants, and having infinite patience with a screaming baby.

02-04-14

How is Mommy/Rachael doing?

I am doing well. I am still really sore all over, particularly in the nether regions. I only had one small tear though, so it's not too bad. I find that Kylie's smell is a very addictive drug. I cannot really function when she is in a different room from me, I NEED her near me. It also makes me nervous when other people hold her. George carried her in the moby wrap to the store yesterday, so it's getting better! My boobs are very full of milk, which feels weird, but it's not too bad. Latching sometimes hurts, but only for a few seconds. Most of my remaining discomfort is due to my hips and back re-aligning, which gets better each day.

02-02-14

How is Daddy/George doing?

I wish I could get him to post himself, but he never seems to want to. He seems to be doing great! He keeps saying things like, "Why do people say changing diapers is so bad? Does it get harder? This is not bad at all." Sometimes he steals Kylie from my lap so he can cuddle with her for a while. He is really good at soothing her when she is upset, unless she just wants me, in which case he can't do much. He has already started talking about when we can have another one! So overall, I think he is really good at this whole "dad" thing and we both still want lots of kids =)

02-05-14

Overall

We are all doing really well, no one is sleep deprived, and we both get to change clothes and take showers every day. I don't know if we just lucked out with an easy baby, or we are just really good at this, but I don't feel like it's that hard being a new parent. It's different, and we had to learn Kylie's signals for what she wants, but after day 3 we pretty much had that covered. We had to get over the fact that you sometimes have to drop whatever you are doing to take care of her, but we expected that. We have walked to the store with Kylie in the moby wrap most days since she has been home, and she is always really calm and content. I thought pregnancy and labor were both way easier than people made them sound as well, so maybe people just exaggerate a lot =P

Moby wrap for outside exploration!
02-02-14

02-02-14

Rachael