Body Image

Quick side note: I think I will be posting here much more often, because it's quite annoying posting in 4 places so everyone can see it. You can all just visit here and I will put thoughts/updates/pictures all in one place =)

Before I was pregnant, 9-month pregnant women looked HUGE. When I was 9 months pregnant, I kept thinking I looked so tiny compared to what I "should" look like. Then I would see old pictures of me and see my flat belly and it just... didn't look like me at all. Actually, any pictures of women with flat bellies looked weird. Like eerie and abnormal. Then now that Kylie is out, things changed again. I saw a picture of me 9 months pregnant, and I looked huge! It doesn't look like me, my belly was never that big or round! I can't remember having a giant belly anymore. My body image seems to be all over the place O.o

I look so huge and round!
01-13-14

Rachael

One week!

Kylie is now one week old! Well ok, I meant to do this yesterday. She is actually 8 days old today =P All three of us have learned a lot over the last week and things are going pretty smoothly now.

Temperature

The first day at home we had it at 75F in the apartment, which is pretty standard for us. Kylie kept crying when she was put down for a bit, and she would feel a little cold, even with blankets and clothes on. Since she was technically a little bit preemie and they have trouble with temperature regulation, we figure she was just cold. So we made it 80F in here. After that she seemed much better! We decided that we will lower it by one degree a week starting next week until we get back to normal temperatures in here. It might seem weird to some people, or like we are being crazy, but it seems to work and it doesn't bother us. =)

Big Smile!
02-04-14

Sleeping

The first 2 nights Kylie was home, we put her in her crib at night. When she would cry we would pick her up and calm her down and then put her back. About 30 minutes later she would cry again. Halfway through the 2nd night I gave up and put her in the bed with us. George and I were both getting sleep deprived and that was no fun. We sleep with only a sheet now, because it's 80F in here, so there is little risk of Kylie being suffocated by that. She sleeps at a level below the pillows and between us. The only potential risk would be one of us rolling onto her, which is not really possible. George doesn't ever move in his sleep and I become aware and awake when I move around at night. There is also something really satisfying about waking up to looking at and smelling your baby beside you <3 We still practice self-soothing in the swing a few times each day, and we plan on transitioning to the crib over the next 2 months or so, starting with things like 3 hours a night, then 6 hours a night, etc.

02-02-14

Clothes

We have a bunch of really cute baby clothes we bought or people gave us. I think she wore 2 outfits before I decided that was a silly idea. First of all, she gets everything gross and changes clothes a lot during the day. Second, a lot of those cute outfits are long-sleeved. Long sleeves does not mean "warmer" like you might expect. It means "colder" because they are covered in slobber all day. Unless it's a sleeper at night, she doesn't suck on her hands much then. Third, a lot of them include pants. Pants are OBNOXIOUS with diaper changes. We don't wear pants. At nighttime, Kylie wears a sleeper with a wool sleep sack over it. In the daytime, Kylie wears a T-shirt (not a onesie, those make her look weird with her cloth diaper butt, but sometimes she just wears a onesie unsnapped) and socks. The socks fall off 10+ times a day, but we just put them back on her. We have some plain colored shirts from American Apparel that she wears. Clothes just need to be soft and functional. I also don't like hats. When we are outside and it's cold, sure. But I like seeing her hair and smelling her head too much to wear hats inside =) Kylie also hates being swaddled. I thought all babies were supposed to like it, but she really likes her hands.

Missing a sock... again.
02-02-14

Feeding

After the disastrous incident at the hospital, we figured out a system. (At the hospital I let her sleep too long and she was too hungry to sleep and too sleepy to eat, which was terrible.) Every 3 hours Kylie gets a diaper change and then nurses. To make this simple for us, it's just every multiple of 3: Midnight, 3am, 6am, 9am, noon, 3pm, 6pm. 9pm. I tried nursing first, but she is usually too sleepy. The diaper change usually wakes her up enough to want to eat, and it's always wet anyways. 

02-02-14

Schedule

Our diaper/feeding schedule is above. Kylie and I go down for the night between midnight and 3am, depending on what I am feeling like. George takes her from bed at 3am and 6am and changes her diaper and gives her back to me to nurse and go back to sleep. He goes to bed after the 6am change. We started this because sometimes she gets really fussy sometime between 3 and 5am, so this way George is awake to rock and soothe her back to sleep. Depending on who is more sleepy/awake, we take turns doing the 9am diaper change. Then at noon I get up and take my meds, get food, fill my water bottle, and go to the bathroom before getting Kylie up. That is when we start our "daytime," which means she goes from the sleeper in bed to a T-shirt in my lap/her swing. I let George just sleep until I need him or he decides to wake up. Sometimes I put Kylie back into bed with him so I can take a shower. 

02-03-14

Awake Time

Babies sleep a LOT. Kylie does have some awake time each day though. It tends to be after her noon, 6pm, and midnight feedings. But not the 6am one. So I guess she has some sort of 24-hour schedule? Anyways, she likes to make faces and look around during awake time. Depending on what we are doing, I usually either put her on her playtime mat for some "tummy time" to help strengthen her neck muscles, hold her black and white striped letter G 10 inches away from her face to promote eye development, or stare at her and talk to her so she can learn my face and voice. 

02-03-14

Mommy vs Daddy

Mommy is better at- face snuggles into boobs, feeding, being a human pillow, and bedtime snuggles. Daddy is better at- diaper changes, helping with burping, guessing what Kylie wants, and having infinite patience with a screaming baby.

02-04-14

How is Mommy/Rachael doing?

I am doing well. I am still really sore all over, particularly in the nether regions. I only had one small tear though, so it's not too bad. I find that Kylie's smell is a very addictive drug. I cannot really function when she is in a different room from me, I NEED her near me. It also makes me nervous when other people hold her. George carried her in the moby wrap to the store yesterday, so it's getting better! My boobs are very full of milk, which feels weird, but it's not too bad. Latching sometimes hurts, but only for a few seconds. Most of my remaining discomfort is due to my hips and back re-aligning, which gets better each day.

02-02-14

How is Daddy/George doing?

I wish I could get him to post himself, but he never seems to want to. He seems to be doing great! He keeps saying things like, "Why do people say changing diapers is so bad? Does it get harder? This is not bad at all." Sometimes he steals Kylie from my lap so he can cuddle with her for a while. He is really good at soothing her when she is upset, unless she just wants me, in which case he can't do much. He has already started talking about when we can have another one! So overall, I think he is really good at this whole "dad" thing and we both still want lots of kids =)

02-05-14

Overall

We are all doing really well, no one is sleep deprived, and we both get to change clothes and take showers every day. I don't know if we just lucked out with an easy baby, or we are just really good at this, but I don't feel like it's that hard being a new parent. It's different, and we had to learn Kylie's signals for what she wants, but after day 3 we pretty much had that covered. We had to get over the fact that you sometimes have to drop whatever you are doing to take care of her, but we expected that. We have walked to the store with Kylie in the moby wrap most days since she has been home, and she is always really calm and content. I thought pregnancy and labor were both way easier than people made them sound as well, so maybe people just exaggerate a lot =P

Moby wrap for outside exploration!
02-02-14

02-02-14

Rachael

Kylie Cecilia Washington!

Kylie was born 1-30-14 at 6:11pm, 20 hours after my water broke. She was 6lbs 13oz and 20in long. She has passed all her tests and is really good at nursing =)

Ready to go home

Early Labor

I was in early/stalled labor for 21 days! Almost every morning I woke up to painful, regular contractions. I would take pain meds and they would eventually go away until I got up to walk or stand, then they were back again. I was in the Labor and Delivery department of the hospital a lot to make sure things were still going well. Over the 21 days I lost my mucous plug, became 3cm dilated, and 50% effaced. I was getting pretty fed up with the process. Who is in labor for that long!? It hurt, and I felt miserable, but there was nothing to be done about it until her due date. George stayed home from work most days to be with me, as neither of us wanted me to be alone is early labor. It was nice having a lot of time together as a family of 2 =)

My last belly picture! 1-25-14

Water Breaking

On Wednesday, 1-29-14, I was really sleepy. I also had a bit of an anxiety issue that morning about feeling like it would never be over. My doula suggested I stop making pain meds when the contractions start, as that might be stalling them. So I didn't take any that afternoon. I took a nap from 7pm-10pm, and I woke up to my water leaking. It was not really a gushing break, just a slow constant leak. So exciting! Finally almost over! I was hungry, so I asked George to make spaghetti so I could eat one last meal at home before going into the hospital. I was hanging out in the shower since everything was hurting, while George made food. I didn't want to get out of the shower, so he turned the water off and I just ate sitting in there. It looked a bit silly, but it was comfy =) After that, George started packing last minute things into the hospital bag. We were out of nutter butters! I have basically lived off of those for the last few weeks of pregnancy. I need snacks for my hypoglycemia and those are the only things that ever sounded good. So I got out of the shower and we walked to the store, since I needed to be walking to progress labor anyways. Contractions started to get worse, so we headed to the hospital.

Spaghetti in the shower!

Hospital

We got there at 2am. The nurses were trying to be really pushy about giving me pitocin to progress faster, but I wanted to at least try on my own. They kept saying how much of a risk of infection there is if Kylie is not born within 24 hours of my water breaking. I kept telling them that it was only 4 hours so far, and there was a ways to go before talking induction. I was entirely pain-med free for a LONG time. I layed in the shower, (in my room!) walked around, bounced on the birth ball, and talked a lot. I let George and Liza get some sleep in the wee hours of the morning while my doula and I went into the hallway for massage and birth ball bouncing. I had on a wireless monitor the whole time so they could keep track of Kylie's heart and my contractions. I even wore it in the shower! It was super awesome. At one point I asked the OB about pain meds, and he said they would have to be through IV, so I decided to tough it out some more. Now is where time gets a bit fuzzy, I have on idea when things happened exactly. The contractions were getting really painful, and time was running out, so I got an IV with pitocin and pain meds. The pain meds worked, but they were short-lived and I as told each dose is less effective. Once the first one was wearing off, I was so exhausted that I was sleeping between contractions. Waking up to THAT evry few mites was getting unbearable very fast. I noticed I was clenching up when one would start, and I would try to relax, but it was really hard. It that rate, I would never progress, so I decided to get the epidural. My main argument against an epidural was that it can cause issues when it's cold outside. I have determined that it was/is TOTALLY worth it for me. Everything was so much more pleasant after it was put in. Rather than dreading contractions when they would wake me up, I didn't feel them much at all and I could sleep. I slept for a bit, and talked for a bit. Eventually a nurse checked me and said I was complete! They gave me an hour for her to drop more before pushing. The doula and Liza left and let George and I have our last time together as just a couple. =)

Ready for walking around at the hospital

The Birth

Right before we started pushing, my room FILLED with people and everyone was moving me and putting things on me and it was quite overwelming. I didn't really know what was going on, and I was trying not to think about how many people were around so I could stay calm. I later found out what happened was that Kylie's cord was wrapped around her neck so her heart rate was dropping. Once they put me on my other side and put an oxygen mask on with deep breaths it came back up. Then it was pushing time! Pushing felt... weird. I don't really know how to explain it. It's a weird sensation, and quite uncomfortable, but with the epidural it was not painful. Towards the end they had to use something to help get her out, because of the cord issue. But she came out and started screaming. They put her on my chest all very slimy and purple and screaming. I was just crying. I don't even know why, I think everything was just really overwhelming. George was crying too =) After a good long while they took her off me and cleaned both of us up and weighed her. They took out the epidural, and we got transferred to the Mother-Baby unit.

Skin-to-skin right after she came out

Mother-Baby Unit

In general our stay was good. I was thinking about trying to go home right away, but I am glad we stayed. I had a bit of a meltdown one of the nights when Kylie was really hungry and really sleepy at the same time. This resulted in her being too sleepy to eat, but too hungry to sleep, which just resulted in inconsolable screaming. The nurse helped me manually pump "milk" into a spoon and feed it to her so she could sleep. Apparently this issue occurred because I was just letting her sleep until she woke up, which was too long between feedings. I was tired too! Anyways, we got that worked out and now we wake up every 3 hours to eat and it works MUCH better. =)

Eyes open!

My birth experience thoughts

My birth plan was pretty simple and flexible. I wanted delayed cord clamping, which became a mostly moot point with a cord issue as we had, immediate skin-to-skin, which I got, and I wanted to labor naturally as long as possible, which I did. I was pretty adamant about not wanting an epidural, but I had considered it in the case of no progression due to the pain. That is why I ended up getting it in the end, and I am happy with my choice. I was getting to the point that I was dreading contractions and the thought of pushing sounded miserable, which I decided was not a good state of mind to be in for birthing a baby. I was much happier and George was much less stressed after I got the epidural put in. I also didn't really want an IV because I was worried it would ruin my experience. When they did end up wanting to give me one (for pain meds and pitocin) they wanted to put it in my hand, to which I said "NO NO NO!" I knew if it was anywhere that is not the "normal" place for an IV it would seriously gross me out and I would be unhappy. That seems to be the only place the nurses really didn't want to put it, and they went and fetched the anesthesiologist to put it in for them. Once it was in I barley noticed it, so that went over well. Overall I got everything I wanted, even if it seems like I gave things up in the end. All of it was my choice, and I don't regret any of it. =)

There are a TON of pictures still on the camera. I am working on starting to sort through and upload them. Kylie's Flikr set can be found here.

Home and happy =)

Rachael

California

Why we moved to California:

George was being underpaid for his talents at the job he was at in Burlington. He tried to address this with his bosses, but my impression is they were powerless to fix it until a spot on a higher up team opened up, which doesn't have a clear timeline. Sometime around when this was starting to be apparent to us that it might be a problem with the price of living in Burlington and a baby on the way, Google contacted George about wanting him to interview. We discussed this as a couple, and decided it was worth talking to them because they have an office in Boston that wouldn't be too bad to commute to. I did NOT want to move to Cali. 

He went ahead and did the phone interview and they really liked him! The next step was to fly out to Cali for an interview at the Googleplex. At that point Google had made it clear that they wanted George in Cali and were not offering a job in Boston. I really like Boston, particularly Burlington/Lexington. I reluctantly agreed that we could fly out and check it out, and if Cali was not too bad and they were offering enough interesting work and salary, we might do it. Still only maybe. We flew out to Cali on something like 3 days notice. We arrived, picked up our rental car, and spent the afternoon with some friends (Liza and Clint) in the area. I didn't like it very much. It reminded me way too much of Texas, and I didn't want to go back to that. I REALLY like Boston. 

The next day, George had an all-day interview. I was taken on a tour of Googleplex by Clint, who works there already. We ate lunch in the AMAZING TOTALLY FREE cafe, and I tried caffeinated water for the first time. I spent most of the day walking around and enjoying the awesome weather. As much as I like Boston, this place was starting to look amazing. And, George did awesome in his interview! 

When we got back home we discussed how much money it would be worth to leave the East Coast. The company he was working at is a really cool company and they would be finding a higher place for him eventually. Boston has SNOW and amazingly colored leaves in the fall. Education is highly valued in the area we lived, and our senator was the BEST ONE. But, our family would thrive better with more income. We would better be able to take trips to see cool things or go to museums. There would be less stress about prices of things, which makes for a better home life. (Not to say those who are struggling are bad or doing anything wrong! We just were discussing how given a choice it might be better for OUR family.) I determined the minimum starting salary it would take to make me leave.

Then George got the offer letter (YAY!) and Google pretty well surpassed what my minimum was to get me to leave. Plus they included the list of benefits, which are spectacular. I kinda ran out of reasons why we shouldn't move to the West Coast. George's previous job did not want to attempt to match Google's offer, so we decided to move. (But the old job still a great place! No bad thoughts or feelings!)

Now, things got complicated. The original plan was to stay at the old job until the baby is born, then move to Cali in late March. Then I thought about it, and that sounded like a terrible idea. Moving all our stuff is pretty stressful, getting to know a new area is stressful (at least to me,) and infants I hear are pretty stressful, so how about lets NOT do all that at the same time. I shouldn't be on a plane after the last week of December due to the potential of things going wrong and having a baby ON A PLANE, so it had to be before then. We got the offer letter around Thanksgiving. I was already set up to have surgery on my left wrist the first week of December, and I had to be in town for a week after that for a follow-up. We had a very tiny window of potential moving times. After lots of back-and-forth e-mails and figuring things out, we finally got it set up for movers to take our stuff December 11 and deliver it by December 27. I found us a cool new apartment, and Liza and Clint toured it for us and took lots of pictures. 

All of that is over now, and we have our stuff in our new place in California. I would still rather be in Boston, even with the current blizzard. This place is not that bad though. I think it will grow on me. George starts his first day at Google in the morning! Apparently Google will be giving him 7 weeks of paid paternity leave once Baby Kylie is born, even if he is only able to work for a few days before that. It's pretty awesome =)

Rachael

2014 Goals

If I write out my 2014 goals here, I might be more likely to stick to them. That is the idea anyway.

• Take at least one picture a day.
• I had this goal before when I got my camera, but then I failed at it. I will try again!
• Do at least 30 minutes of Memrise a day to work on my French. 
• Ideally every day, but at least 6 days a week.
• Blog more often!
• I was trying to stick to at least monthly updates, but I don't always do even that. I think this will get easier once I have interesting things to tell everyone about the baby =)
• Catch up on paperwork and STAY THAT WAY.
• I have a little pile of places to call and things to figure out that I avoid. I need to clear out the pile once and for all! Like tax stuff. I don't even want to think about it. Bleh.
• Start logging receipts. 
• George and I talked about doing this a few months ago, but with the huge move and all the new baby stuff expenses, we decided it would be easier to wait until the new year to start. I would like to start tracking how much we actually spend on things, because for the most part I really don't know.

That is all I can think of right now that I want to change in 2014. =)

Rachael

Hand Surgery

For those of you who keep up with me in ways other than my blog, you probably know I had hand surgery recently. Here is how that all happened:

The Beginning

Saturday, October 12, I knit a purse for a little girl I was babysitting. It was cute and awesome and super fast. The next morning when I woke up my right wrist was hurting. It was not that bad, and I figured I must have slept on it weird or been knitting a bit too much the day before. I went ahead and got a wrist brace to wear just in case I sprained it, in the hopes that it would heal faster. Over the next few days, it started hurting more. I called my doctor so he could check it out, but he was out of town that week. It was getting bad, so I just made an appointment with one of his associates. She told me I had De Quervain's tendinitis. Basically, the tendon that runs along the outside of my right thumb was inflamed. Not a huge deal, I just needed to wear a brace that immobilized my thumb for 2 weeks. I was told to stop wearing the wrist brace, and to wear this one instead. I started wearing it on Thursday, October 17. There is a sock on my hand under the brace because the exposed Velcro was itchy.

The Pain

Halfway through lunch the next day (Friday, October 18,) my wrist started hurting VERY badly. Just suddenly, almost-in-tears pain. First thing I did was call the doctor to see if I could get an "emergency" appointment that afternoon. As I was waiting for a call back, my fingers went numb. That scared me even more than the sudden pain did. I called the doctor back, in tears at that point, asking if I should go to the ER or something because I was afraid my nerves were dying. The doctor called me back shortly after that, and after getting more details told me it was just carpel tunnel and not to be worried about my nerves. I was told to wear BOTH braces, was given painkillers to take when needed, and I got an appointment with a hand "specialist" (actually a surgeon) the following week. During that week, my right hand started getting swollen when it was not raised up high. I kept it up and iced it twice a day. I wore both braces all the time, awake and sleeping. By Tuesday, my left wrist was starting to hurt like the right one did at first. Meanwhile, the right just kept getting more painful. Painkillers were my friend. The only risk to Baby Kylie is/was the risk of her getting addicted to them and then going through withdraw once she is born. As much as that would suck for both of us, it is really not that bad. 

The Shot

I met the hand surgeon on Friday, October 25. He told me that the tendinitis was all better, but the carpel tunnel is/was bad. There are only 3 things they can do for carpel tunnel. 
1. Wear a brace and deal with it. 
2. Steroid shot into the tendon. This works for 1-4 months, then needs to be done again.
3. Surgically cut the tendon to make the tunnel wider.
I had already tried the dealing with it, and it was not working out for me. I opted for the shot. There was no risk for Kylie because it was just a local shot. As soon as I said we should try the shot, he started putting out bottles and a needle. I didn't even have time to prepare myself for a shot! First was the lidocaine to numb it. Pinched a bit, but not too bad. Then the real shot. If you have never had a needle touch your nerves or tendons, you cannot imagine how much it can possibly hurt. I was in tears. I didn't want to be, but sometimes we don't get choices. It was okay though, this was going to make me better!

I was fine leaving the office, and in the elevator, and getting in the car. As George was driving us home, the lidocaine started wearing off. There have been 3 times in my life that I have labeled myself as being a 10 on the pain scale. Once was when I was in the ER for chest pain. The other was later during surgery. This was the second. I took another oxycodone, because IT WAS SO BAD. All to make it better though, right?

The Next Step

Wrong. The immediate pain got better over the next few days, but my wrist never got any better than it was the day I got the shot. I also developed a shooting nerve pain in my index finger, most likely due to the shot touching my nerve. November 1 I started wearing a wrist brace on my left hand as well, because it was getting worse. Friday, November 8, I had a follow-up with the hand surgeon. The shot did not work. At all. Either I have some really weird body chemistry that makes steroid shots ineffective, or my wrist just got worse as it was "getting better" so it ended up feeling the same. Regardless, it was pretty obvious this was becoming a huge problem. Even if I did decide to just tough it out (with painkillers, I am not a super-hero,) it would most likely be back at least with future pregnancies. Given that, he recommended surgery. Both hands needed to be done, as the left was obviously showing carpel tunnel signs as well. One at a time is the best approach, so you can still function at least a little bit without help. The surgery I had was 3 parts. Carpel tunnel release- cutting the tendon sheath to widen the tunnel. De Quervain's release- cutting the tendon sheath to help the thumb tendon. And Synovectomy- removing inflamed tissue.

George and I a few days before my surgery. I got cool arm warmers to wear under/over the braces.
George wore some too =)

Right Hand Surgery

The first surgery was Wednesday, November 13. We were going to have a fetal monitor on, but my OB said it was unnecessary. According to her, there was no more risk from the surgery than any other time. I did have to be awake though, because if I was asleep, Kylie would be asleep too, which did have some risk. All I have to say about that is awake surgery is not for the faint of heart. I did fall asleep for the very beginning of it, and when I woke up I quickly informed the entire room that THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH LIDOCAINE. That was the 3rd time in my life I was a 10 on the pain scale. There was a curtain between me and my arm, so I didn't get to/have to watch it. I had the anesthesiologist on my side of the curtain talking to me. Mostly making idle conversation, trying not to think about all the pressures I could still feel in my hand. When I could feel something I would tell her and she would pass that on to the surgeon who would put more lidocaine there. The sutures were unfortunately, the worst part. I could feel all the tugging going on =/ Kylie was kicking during a lot of the surgery, which made me feel a lot better. This was for her sake, so I can hold her and take care of her when she is born =)

The recovery was extremely long and painful. Actually, it's not all over yet. My right thumb is still numb, and my median nerve is still irritated, so I get sharp pains in it. My fingers are still stiff and it is difficult to squeeze things tightly. I can only bend my wrist maybe 3/4 of what I should be able to, but it is getting better. Even given all of that, it hurts significantly less now than pre-surgery. The surgeon said he was surprised at how much inflamed tissue he had to remove. Given that, it was most likely going to be a problem in the next few years regardless of what I did. Kylie just sped up the process.

Left Hand Surgery

My second surgery was Tuesday, December 3. I was going to wait longer between them, but we are moving to California on Friday and I needed to still be around Boston for my 1-week post-op appointment. (More about the move and why on my next post, hopefully tonight or tomorrow.) To be honest, I was terrified of the second surgery. My right hand was still in pretty terrible shape, and I was worried I ruined it by getting surgery. George said he was there for me, and it really is best for Kylie if I get both done now. As it turns out, I just had really irritated nerves in my right hand for no good reason. I felt like the surgery itself went a lot smoother, and the recovery went WAY better. My left hand is almost stronger and better than my right hand already. I have no numbness or nerve pain. I had almost as much inflamed tissue in my left as my right, so I have no idea what made the difference. Neither does the surgeon. I am happy I had it done though =) My post-op appointment was today, and everything is healing well! 

Aftermath

I can finally type using both hands again, and I just started being able to knit again a few days ago! Things only get better on a day-to-day basis. Is there still pain? Yes, but it feels more like soreness and stiffness than the numbness and burning the carpel tunnel gave me. Do I still take pain meds? Yes, but only once or twice a day. I take them right before intense physical therapy, because it is hard to cause yourself pain even when you know it's for the best in the long run. When I am not using my hands/wrists, they don't really hurt much. According to the surgeon, I should be able to knit all I want without risk of getting carpel tunnel again for at least 20 years =) Even with all the pain, it is totally worth it.

If you wondered why there have not been blog posts lately, that is why. Typing was painful until recently, and a blog post is a lot of typing. I am back though! =)

Rachael

Anxiety Issues

I have an anxiety disorder. This has been known for a long time, and was medically diagnosed when I was 16. It is not rational, and I can't help it. Sometimes things cause it in stupid ways, like things being on the floor making me freak out. Or not wanting to go into a room with a closed door. Should those things make me freak out? No. But I don't really get choices. 

Then sometimes, the anxiety presents in even more odd ways. Today, I woke up and I felt miserable  Just really anxious. Like I wanted to go into the corner and cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. Nothing happened, and nothing is different about today that I can see. I took a shower, and didn't feel any better. I cannot take my anxiety meds anymore because of the baby, so I had to figure out something I could do. Anything really, to make the anxiety go away. So I opened iTunes and turned on the new Bowling for Soup album. I played it loud on my speakers, and I made myself go into the kitchen and make a pesto sandwich (I think that is my new favorite food.) I was not hungry, but I had not eaten. I didn't want to listen to music, or sing, or dance. 

That was about an hour ago. Now there is an empty plate in front of me, and I am feeling much better. I guess maybe part of me is starting to understand how to deal with anxiety, even if all the rest of me screams, "NO. NO MUSIC. NO FOODS. GO CRY." 

Bowling for Soup, my favorite band since 6th grade, still making me feel better =) Also, food. Everyone loves food =)

Rachael