I am BACK!

I finally feel all the way back in the world after the ER visit- About 6 weeks later. I got to stop the propanalol yesterday FINALLY without feeling like my heart was racing. That let me stop being so dizzy all the time, so I was hyper and active and productive. I planned out meals for a week, DROVE MYSELF to the store and got everything I needed, went to the doctor, and cooked. I even planned to have people over Saturday! I went to sleep really early because I was exhausted, so now I am up really early =)

I keep up with updates more on my forums than I do on my blog-

3/16
I am BACK IN THE VIVID WAKING WORLD. Sorry, it was very exciting to be able to take my meds again today after a week without them. The world is brighter, I can walk around, wash dishes, knit. Overall, I REALLY REALLY love and need my meds.
Why did I go without them? For 2 tests my neurologist wanted. The autonomic reflex test, which was a bit uncomfortable for some parts, that ended in a tilt table, confirming that I have a serious issue standing (BP drop, HR skyrocket, brain fuzzy) they only did it for 10 minutes, which was not bad. The one I did for the cardiologist a long time ago they made me actually pass out, which was SO HORRIBLE. Anyways… The 2nd test was an EMG. They first shock different muscles until they see twitching, which was really uncomfortable, but livable. The tech was really good at distracting me with conversation, which helped a lot. Then the doctor came in, well actually it was a fellow, which I think is really cool, and he was really cute. He stuck NEEDLES into various muscles and you could hear the nerves firing when I was instructed to move. That was very unpleasant. The needle did not hurt so much, it was the moving it around inside my muscle while telling me to relax, ugh.
But the upside of all that, they succeeded in breaking my fear of my shots. I don’t understand it, but there was no waiting terrified time today or yesterday. I guess I have accepted that unpleasant things will happen, and thinking about it and delaying only makes it seem worse. The tests were not nearly as bad as I thought they would be, and same with the needles. It never hurts. so what it the point of fretting over it? I am so glad that happened, because in a week I get to talk to my RE about IVF if this cycle fails. The only thing seriously stopping me before was the terrible fear of needles, so I am going to be okay now. Upside of IVF- chance of multiples! That would be so cool.
All I have done all week is sleep (and destroy any semblance of a normal sleep schedule, I wake up at 3pm today >.< ) and play with a ton of new mods for minecraft with DH. Mostly me playing and him joining after work, but it kept me fulling engaged and occupied during the no-med days. Knitting is not easy off my meds, it makes me restless for some reason. 

3/21
I just got back from the appointment with my RE in which we discussed IVF next. 3-5 shots per day, all tiny needles in my belly, which I can handle. The surgery for egg retrieval does not sound as bad as I thought- light sedation and they go in through the cervix, no cutting me open. Then I was given the choice of PIO (Progesterone in Oil shots) or crinone (ikcy cream to put up there for progesterone). I took one look at that PIO needle and decided CRINONE. The stuff is not that great, but OMFG that was a big needle. It is an intramuscular injection with a pretty large gauge needle. Of course, this is all only if my current cycle does not work out. It feels good to have a plan though =)
All the different things for the shots was a lot to learn though. Some have to be mixed, others not, blah blah blah. I need to get back to being productive now- which does not include knitting. =(


3/25
I went to the dentist today. I refused to let her give me a shot of Novocaine, and instead just dealt with the pain of getting 2 deep cavities filled. It hurt a LOT, but I still think I made the right choice. I hate when I cant talk and drool for the rest of the day! 5 minutes of intense pain and it was all over. I get to go back in a week for more >.<
I am currently PUPO (Pregnant until proven otherwise) and don’t really feel any different. Not to say that is bad, just meh. I have the IVF packet of info and it sounds kinda crazy, but do-able. I hope I don’t have to, but I will survive if I do. Maybe I will have twins!? That would be cool.
I have been doing well on the productive-around-the-house front. I have made HUGE progress filing everything and paying off medical stuff I forgot about. I have been cooking almost every day, the kitchen is staying clean, clothes are being washed, and the rooms picked up. My dizzyness level is like through the roof every day lately because of this, but I am DOING it! Next up- organizing the yarn.


Rachael

Français

I love the French language. As far as I know, I always have. The earliest I can remember is 4th grade, when I had a huge crush on this Canadian boy because he could speak French <3 I liked him because he spoke French, so I liked it before that. Anyways. I was SUPER excited to take French in 7th grade, I had been looking forward to that since at least 4th. I took French 1, it was AWESOME. I took French 2 in 8th grade- bad teacher, but loved the language. French 3 in 9th grade, AWESOME! I was a part of French club all 3 years as well. My friends and I would speak French in the hallways and watch movies in French on weekends. I was really lucky (well, no, not luck, my mom was AWESOME) to get to go to France the summer after 9th grade for 3 weeks. I saw Paris, toured around the country, and was an exchange student for a week. Towards the end of my trip, I started to reach fluency. What I mean by that is- I stopped translating in my head. Someone would ask a question in French and I would respond in French without my brain converting to and from English. If you have never reached that point, it is really uncomfortable and cool at the same time. 

After that trip, I moved. I changed schools and I could no longer take French. For the first 6 months or so I found the people I met in France online and we would chat on the weekends (really the only time the time zones lined up correctly). As friendships do, they died off, and I started forgetting French. When I got to college I was looking forward to taking French again, but it did not really fit in my schedule. I actually did try to take a class Junior year and failed out of it horribly. My best friend from college is FROM FRANCE, but he would not speak in French to me -.- There were a few times I would overhear his conversations to his mom. I could tell you the gist of the conversation without actually being able to pinpoint any words I knew. Odd phenomenon, that is. Sometimes he would bring French movies into work (while we were cleaning or sorting legos) which had the same effect. 

This year, Zachary came to live with me and take college classes up here. I wanted to take something together, but he did not want to take Philosophy with me. I jokingly suggested French, and he thought that would be neat O.O So we signed up for beginning French. Well, I ended up dropping both classes, so no French for me. I still was interested in learning again, so I looked up Rosetta Stone and did the demo thing. I do not really fancy spending hundreds of dollars on software that I might not like. George looked up options for me, and found memrise. 

First off, a bit about memrise. They took the neuroscience understanding of how memories are formed and stored, and made a program that executes the best way of teaching using that information. You learn words in your short term memory (planting seeds), then 4 hours later, just when you start to loose them, you review and put them into long term memory (harvest). Depending on how you did at the harvest (answered fast or slow, took 2 tries or 1) it calculates the optimal interval to review (water). They made learning a GAME, and made it feel really easy. You might think it is less effective because it is so easy (and FREE!), but you would be very wrong. 

I have been on the site for 2 days. At first I was just learning French words in a beginner course, just like George. After a while I started remembering bits about verb conjugation (spawned by the phrases with verbs in them) and I was driven to look it up. I got out a notebook and actually wrote out how to conjugate regular verbs. I found a course on memrise for irregular verbs and went over the common ones. I started REMEMBERING French, rather than just learning. The biggest struggle for me after I quit taking classes was grammar, I did not remember anything about it. Yesterday in the car, George asked Zach a question, and I translated it to French without thinking too much about it. Then I looked up the verb to check it. I remembered the structure, which is what impressed me. I woke up today and even before harvesting my plants from last night, started thinking in French. Not like before, not yet. But I do have this flood of words I remember that have all been locked away for 7 years. In 2 days! I did not even complete that much on there. I have the same progress as George does in the beginner lesson, plus a bit of verbs. I just hit the magic UNLOCK button in my brain.

If you try the site, which I HIGHLY recommend, watch out for that "brain sleepy" feeling, and do something else for a while. You can overload yourself if you do too much. They have ALL SORTS of languages, and non-languages. Want to learn all 600-and-whatever pokemon by sight? What about Capital cities? Types of trees by sight? The periodic table? Polyatomic ions? Organic Chemistry?

I freaking love neuroscience.
Rachael

ER visit

I was in the ER Tuesday and Wednesday, and now that I am feeling better, I wanted to explain to anyone who is curious.

What brought me to the ER Tuesday was being dizzy for 2 days (aside from my normal amount of daily dizziness) AND my heart rate getting up to 140 while laying down and being still. The heart rate was making me feel pressure in my chest and I was hyperventilating, which caused my face and hands to go all tingly and numb. It was also terrifying, which made it worse >.< At the ER I was hooked up to tons of monitors and my resting heart rate stayed at about 110-120 after anti-anxiety meds. It was determined that my TSH was almost 0 (which means hyperthyroid, too much meds, it is a bit confusing). Why do I take thyroid medicine? My RE (fertility dr) noticed my thyroid hormone was a bit low when he did a complete workup in August, which is a cause for infertility, so he put me on meds to fix it. The dose was so low one doctor said, "looking at the bottle does about the same thing". I had my levels re-checked and they looked good in Sept and again in early Jan. Then my thyroid went crazy? I have been taken off my thyroid meds for now and we wait out the 3 weeks while they slowly leave my system. Then we can determine if I am truly hyperthyroid or if it was the meds. I was given a beta-blocker to lower my heart rate, and it did. The heart problem was fixed(ish), but I was still really dizzy. I was given the choice to be admitted to the hospital or go home to see if I get better and I choose home.

I kept taking the beta blockers as instructed on Wednesday, but I was slowly deteriorating all day. My heart was fine, but I was SO DIZZY. I went back to the ER Wednesday night, as I was told to do if I got any worse. While sitting hooked up to monitors while doctors tried to figure out what was wrong, I started getting much better as my beta blockers wore off and my resting heart rate went from ~65 to ~85. I started getting more wiggly and demanding to get my IV out so I could go home. Much more me =)

I am being kept on beta blockers, but I have tiny pills that I take "as needed" to keep my resting heart rate around 85. How the doctor put it was, "there is a reason you have tachycardia, it keeps you from passing out". When they prevented my tachycardia, I was dizzy.

SO, my thyroid is to blame for this whole thing. I was not really on enough medicine to do what happened, so something is more wrong with it than anyone thought. Surprisingly, my RE has not canceled my cycle this month. IUI tomorrow!

25 inches of SNOW!

Winter Storm Nemo has come, and we have ~25" of snow outside. Zachary and I played a bit in it, and I have been taking lots of pics and video.

 

02-08-13

02-09-13

My Little Brother

For those of you who are not aware, I have a little brother. He 4.5 years younger than me. When he was born I protected him and took care of him (or tried at least). When we were young we fought like most siblings do. When we started getting older, our interests started actually lining up a bit, and we got along. He got me into Pokemon and Runescape and I got him into guitar. When I was 14 and ran away from my dads house, I took him with me. We both ended up living at our moms not long after that and we started actually hanging out more. When none of his friends were over and none of mine were online, we would hang out in his room playing guitar and talking about science things. I tried to encourage him in his guitar playing and programming. Senior year we connected a lot more, being much closer in interest groups. Then I went to college 250 miles away. 

My freshman year was really difficult for me emotionally. I was taking 18 hours and ended up with a 3.89 GPA, but I felt like I had SO MUCH free time, it was boring. People would try to help by asking, "Well, what did you do in your free time last year?" I would go hang out with my brother, or do crafts with my little sister (at the time, she was 4). I discovered new games via my brother and we played them together (Pokemon, WoW, Spyro, Mortal Kombat). I had no one left to take care of and protect, only equals. Then when I learned my sister was acting out in school, and my brother started failing, it got worse. They needed me there, I wanted to go home. I stuck with it, knowing that I needed a college degree, and I did grow as a person, but it still hurts to know all the time I lost. 

Right after college, I got married and moved really close to my family for a few months. It was so cool seeing them and helping Zach figure out college stuff. He somehow became the SUPER popular kid at school without trying at all. He was Prom King... It was nice to be around, but even more sad when we left. Now I live in Massachusetts, which is SO FAR AWAY! It made it slightly easier knowing that Zach was not at home anyways, he was at college. Over Thanksgiving I started noticing how much he has changed and really become his own person. My little brother is not so little anymore!

I talked to my mom over the holidays, and apparently Zach brought all his stuff back home and said he was not going back to college. He failed most of his classes and he felt like it was not worth going deep into debt when he thinks he will fail again. I talked to George and asked a bit about the Computer Science field... you HAVE to have at least a bachelors to do anything. So Zach needs a degree, but he did not like Texas State for whatever reason. I called him and gave him his choices- Pack his stuff back up and go back there and do better, take some classes at the nearest community college (~30 minutes, and it sucks) and get a job, or come move in with George and me. (Grammatically, George and me right there is correct. Just saying.) His reaction was something like, "Well, moving is obviously the best choice for me, so I guess that is what we should do." I really thought there would be more... argument?

At this point you might be thinking, "How does that help?" Lots of reasons.
1. When I would call him every now and then and ask how classes were going, we would say he was failing and George or I would help him through it. That was really useful, but he fails to call me when he needs help. He will only accept when help is offered. If he is here, we can help.
2. He has ADHD. I know this, he knows this, it is obvious. Medication helps him a lot, but he is one of those people that needs someone to say, "Your appointment is Friday at 10am, be there." Our mom is not that person, and our dad is against medication. I can be that person. If he chooses not to take medicine that is totally fine as well, but we cannot ignore the ADHD to hope it goes away. Yoga and meditation along with a doctors note to record all lectures is a good start. He can get on Mass health here and actually see a doctor.
3. The reason he chose Texas state in the first place was his friends. I think he just did not "click" with it for some reason. The plan here is getting an associates in Computer Science at the community college ~15 minutes away in 2 years. There are rules in Mass that say all public colleges in the state have to accept them, and University of Mass Lowell has exact transfer info from Middlesex Community College. He can have his choice of University to transfer to, and this time he can tour them and actually make a choice.
4. He hates that he had to take out a $14k loan for his first semester. He did not get any scholarships, and financial aid only covered his tuition at TSU. Dorms + Meal plan is expensive. Here he will be living in an apartment with George and me, where his room and food are not putting him into debt. MCC is way cheaper, and hopefully financial aid will cover most-all of it. UML is only 24 minutes from our apartment if he decides he wants to stay with us, or he could leave to live in a dorm/apartment =)
5. If he wants a part-time job, we live in a HUGE computer science area. He can get something way more worth-while than fast food.
6. George and Thomas are both wonderful role models for him. They can even help with CS competition stuff to help get him scholarships for university. George is happy to help with anything math/science/CS and probably pretty useful at History and English. I can help with the Psyc, French, and Music.
7. Lastly, this one is for me. I have had loneliness issues since we moved away, and having my little brother around will be SO helpful! Just thinking about all this and helping make plans has gotten me to clean the house and cook =P

I have a flight down to Texas on the 1st, and then we will head out with his car full of stuff (mostly music stuff) up to Mass. We have up to 2 weeks to get here, but I think it will only take 1 week. Then we get to all move into the new place together! We had an extra bedroom there for future babies, but that is at least 9 months out, so it is now Zach's room. We are not sure what will happen when there is a baby around. Move into a 3 bedroom or rent a house if he wants to stay, but none of us know if he will want to wake up to a baby =P Come to think of it, he would probably sleep through it.

My live has changed a LOT over the last week, in a very good way =)

Rachael

December Update

I have been feeling very BLAH lately. But it has been a month since I posted, so I guess I should.

I have been sort of lonely and depressed-ish lately because I am now home alone every day. George has a job, and is doing well, and I miss him =( I don't even get much stuff done around the house when he is gone, which makes me feel worse. I stopped taking my medicine last month, and I think it is really catching up to me. I am dizzy and tired and don't have energy to do anything now. Meh, maybe I should take it today. 

I posted in the Slytherin common room (its a knitting group thing...) about some of the issues I have had with lonelyness, and I was very impressed with how much support I have there, which actually made me feel a lot better. =D

I visited home for Thanksgiving, and that was a lot of fun to see everyone =) I wish I knew when I would see them all again. Living so far away is hard =/

George and I decided to try an IUI this (last) month rather than TI again. That was... uncomfortable, but not as bad as I feared. The doctor said he gives it a 45% chance to work for us, but each month that is fails that number goes down a lot. IVF has a 50% chance to work for us. Power of positive thinking! IT WILL WORK THIS TIME. I am taking next cycle off either way, because we are successful or because we are taking the next step and getting an HSG to check my tubes. Time will tell. 

I don't even know what else I want to post about. We are moving to a new townhouse/apartment once our lease is up here in January. I have a place picked out, but waiting to hear back that we can for sure more in there =)

Rachael

November is a good month

It is November! This is going to be a great month.
1. My birthday is on the 15! I will be 23. 
2. It gets COLD! Well, at least that was the rule in Texas, I think it might snow up here O.O
3. Thanksgiving! I get to see family without all the complications of presents or that I celebrate Yule and not Christmas. YUMMY FOODS! Oh and no one calls you fat for eating way too much. 
4. I am visiting home in Texas! George and I already got our plane tickets. I need ta take lots of pictures to make a "Texas vs Mass" blog post when I get back. (Like the flat landscape, and lack of trees compared to here. Maybe I can get a squirrel picture as well, they look different.)
5. I already finished all my shots this month, so I am just waiting for the test on the 12th to see if this month was a good one baby wise.
6. My SHOP is almost ready! I have all the entries in there and ready to go, the logo has been approved (FINALLY!) and now I am just waiting on the banner & logo final documents from the artist.
7. George had an interview yesterday, and it went well! It was with the company Thomas works at, the one we moved here for.

That is all I can think of right now. Also, I wanted to put the larger version of my avatar/ravatar somewhere so people can see it big. The photographer is working on the whole album now, after I finally gave him the list of what I wanted.

Rachael